You should not be reading this…

“Sex and the City”  isn’t where I expected to find the one piece of wisdom that would enlighten my life. Sure, I learnt about Jimmy Choos and STDs from Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda but really… anything substantial or thought provoking from that show was highly unexpected. Well, anyway, I hope the source of the wisdom doesn’t discount the validity of the knowledge it holds.

In the episode where Carrie figures out she doesn’t really want any kids, she talks about the people around us who make us “should” all the time. Should-ing is that rigid, stubborn voice in your head which tells you life has to be lived a certain way (mine is a hybrid between my mom and a standard virtuous, old lady on a Hindi Serial). As a young female, you should go to college and get good grades. You should marry a nice, good boy from a respectable family. You should pop out at least two kids by the time you are 30. You should have a pretty house and a pretty car to be successful in other people’s eyes. You should want to be successful in other people’s eyes.

Women are known for their guilty consciences. Till we’re 20, we aren’t good enough daughters…after 20, we aren’t good enough girlfriends/wives…after 30 we aren’t good enough mothers…I swear on all that is holy, the root of all this guilt is the should-ing curse. The whirlpool of “shoulding” goes on forever until you reach the chasm of the funnel that is your life when you realize something remarkable. A thought that creeps into your brain, furrows your brow, tightens your heart and tingles your toes as it dawns upon you. ALL those people who told you what you should do were WRONG.

If you’re lucky like me, you realize it much sooner.

Since I took my first philosophy class about five years ago, I realized everything I thought I knew, I had absorbed from someone else. My ideas on life, morality, spirituality, metaphysics, knowledge, society…EVERYTHING, I had picked up from people around me. It was very disturbing for me at the time to realize I truly KNEW nothing. There was no foundation to what I knew. As I examined every value and passionate idea I held so desperately close to my mental being, I realized I had no ownership over them at all. If you asked me why I thought the way I did…I was left speechless. That is an enlightenment which a lot of people get at one point or another. After a brief period of skepticism and character rebuilding, like others, I too moved on. But I missed something…which I really wish I had caught then. I had examined the effect of social influence at a spiritual and ethical level but not on a practical one.

I think very few people truly know what THEY want out of life. We know what we should want. A respectable job, healthy social life, money, nice house…and we know how we should get there, thanks to years of tried and tested methods. If you want to be a successful businessman, you should slog at a job, get an MBA, slog a lot more and once you see the words CEO or MD beside your name on a business card, you should be happy with what you have achieved. Over the past few years of confusion about the rest of my life, I realized not only have I always gone after what I should want, but I have also pursued what I should want how other though I should.

Let me break down that statement in slow motion because it is the most important point I want you to think about in perspective of your own life.

• Mediocrity and fear of risk are so embedded in our thinking, that we force ourselves to be what we think we are supposed to be and not who we really are. Here starts the “shoulding” process
• This happens because like any human being, we want to be accepted in our respective social tribes. An immediate problem is we belong to many tribes- I am a member of my family Tribe, the Nasr School Tribe, The Ohio State University Tribe, the Entrepreneur Tribe, the Singers Tribe, the Writers Tribe…etc. etc.
• Caught up in trying to mold ourselves into a tribe’s stereotype, we try to find solace in the thought that we are making other people happy. But the day of enlightenment you realize…

a) other people will never be satisfied… EVER. I will say it again…no matter what you do, other people will NEVER be satisfied- 100 % GUARANTEED

b) it is humanly impossible to make everyone around you happy AND be happy yourself

c) you are unhappy, unmotivated and confused about your future because all this time you were “shoulding” and never had the courage to be yourself and do what you wanted to

• Not only do we force ourselves to stay “in the box,” even when we try to break free from its confines, that narrow-minded, mediocre, uninnovative, plain, bull-shitter thinking gets in the way. I promise you, it will and it is an incredibly hard mindset to reverse. So, the way we approach a creative problem is with an uncreative solution. Again this is because you have been told all your life, you should approach a problem a certain way.

[On a side note, this takes me back to the days of Elementary school in India, when you were expected to memorize answers to a history test straight from the textbook. Add a few extra ideas and no matter how right you were, you were penalized in your score because you were too radical and didn’t stick to the rules.]

• Continuing the downward spiral, most people reach their 40s or 50s and have that dreaded mid-life crisis where they look back and wonder what they did wrong. Why aren’t they successful? Why aren’t they happy? After all, they did what they should do. Moreover, they see someone else, perhaps a school mate who was not as bright, now the CEO of an empire…and they crib that life is unfair.

• For most, this is the inconclusive end of the “shoulding” process- a life of mediocrity, unhappiness and worst of all, a life that is unfulfilled.

Its a battle of could vs should. We have a need to fulfill our own desires, live our dreams and love our lives. But more often than not, we don’t do what we could because its not what we should. This leaves us in a permanent state of indecision…after doing what you should, you can’t let go of what you could…but even if you did what you could, you question if you should have.

I would say I had my “mid life crisis” followed by enlightenment over this last year. Enlightenment doesn’t change your life in an instant. It’s a slow process to unteach yourself years of “shoulding” thinking. But I think I am getting there. Read my “X Factor” blog post again and the “Don’t BS yourself?” post too. It all ties in beautifully (totally by accident).

Every successful person you look up to…Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Einstein, Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Barack Obama, Oprah…whoever, they never did what others told them they should do. They knew better…they had the good sense to look inside themselves and found strength, skill and passion for something and went after it full speed. I think that is the X Factor. The ability to mute the should-ers.

Now I am still in that process…but I think in my next post, I will explore how to get rid of this toxic thinking. Till then, I want you to think about the life you are living now. If you are working towards a goal…are you sure that is what you want or what you should want to want? If you are confused…are you confused because you really don’t know or because what you want is not what you should want?

Think about it. That is all I ask.